Have You Seen this Girl?

Our search parties have been assembled and given specific stomping grounds around the city of Los Angeles. Somehow, our run-away has escaped the confines of her nanny job and is at large.

She’s short–she’s feisty–she’s probably going to be sporting large bags under her eyes and she may be stooped over from picking children up all day.

Her shirt will probably be spattered with a combination of oatmeal and regurgitated milk–most likely on the shoulder section of her sleeves as that is where the littlest minions are perched when they choose to belch up their bottle.

Her hair will be unkempt, unwashed, and displeasing to the eyes (but that’s nothing new).

If you come in close contact with her, approach her slowly, as her nerves will be incredibly frayed: she’s been doing the whole “live-in” nanny thing again this month and regularly wakes up to the sound of ear-piercing screeches, tantrums, and foot stomping around 6am every morning.

Don’t attempt to lure her from her hiding space with fruits, vegetables, or other varieties of healthy and nutritious food–that’s all her nanny family eats and she would kill (almost literally) to “get a damn piece of candy around this joint”. Instead, crouch low to the ground with a slice of double-chocolate cake outstretched upon your bare palm. Be careful to withdraw your hand as quickly as possible or you risk losing your fingers.

Should she take the cake and be lulled into submission, offer her respite upon your couch with the fluffiest of blankets and access to both your Netflix and Hulu accounts. This is sure to pique her interests and you should be prepared to help her buckle into your vehicle–she’s been too busy buckling other people that she’s forgotten how to take care of herself.

Insist that she shower as soon as she gets to your place–she will fight you, but it is imperative that she bathes as her stench will surely soil your furniture. Once in the shower, limit her to one hour, as she will not want to come out after fighting to get her in. She has taken on certain characteristics of her nanny kids–and not the good ones, either.

Should she fall asleep while watching your television (most likely old episodes of Parks and Rec), DO NOT WAKE HER. I won’t tell you what the repercussions of making such a grievous error are–for they are too terrifying to type here.

You have been warned. 

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