I Have Been Changed For Good

This post may get a little sentimental, I’m just warning y’all from the beginning. There’s nothing I hate more than sitting down to read an article or a blog post expecting to guffaw my socks off and I end up in a huddled mass of tears.

Lately, I’ve been a little stressed. Honestly, that’s an understatement. I’ve been really freaking stressed out and I think it’s because of  working ludicrous hours with tiny little people screaming at me all day. Fortunately, it hasn’t reached the level of completely losing my sh*t like I did back here, if you guys will recall.

But, it did get bad enough for me to spend an entire morning in bed on Saturday and get more than a little introspective. I really hate it when my inner monologue decides to get philosophical. I just picture my Conscience sitting across the table from my Consciousness at a hipster coffee shop shooting barbs back and forth at one another over steaming cups of chai latte.

Conscience: But what really, is there, in terms of consequences for using the aerosol spray we used this morning.

Consciousness: Is your chai latte not sweet enough? because mine is DEFINITELY not sweet enough.

Conscience: Maybe we should start in on that script we want to write–we don’t know how much time we really have left to dwell upon the Earth and we want our time to be meaningful.

Consciousness: I want a third chocolate croissant.

Conscience and Consciousness just chillin’ because they’re currently unemployed and giving in to their artistic selves.

Don’t ask me why they’re depicted as bearded white men–they just are.

This post has already taken a decided turn away from where I wanted to go. So where was I?

Ahhh, yes, INTROSPECTION.

I recently dusted off my “Wicked” album–it’s a really incredible show with an amazing soundtrack. One of my favorite songs, that I also sang with one of my favorite sisters during sorority recruitment, was this one:

Take a listen if you’re unfamiliar with it–the two women singing are the Wicked Witch of the West and Galinda/Glinda the “Good” Witch as they go their separate ways in life.

One of the most poignant set of lyrics for me is this one:

I’ve heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you.

One of my favorite mentors is moving to New York City tomorrow.

I don’t know how to feel about it at all–in this day and age, technology keeps us more connected to our loved ones around the world than ever before. But there’s something I really don’t like about having a person who has helped me learn SO MUCH over the last year and a half move 3,000+ miles away. She taught me how to “Lean In”. She helped me tap into, not only my potential, but also a spirituality that had been sitting dormant inside of me for what felt like decades. She unknowingly helped connect the dots to the crippling anxiety I sometimes experience and gave me a new outlook that helped me to realize that everything is not urgent and is not dependent upon immediate action on my part. That my future must be built brick by brick over time and not by hurriedly slapping together random planks of wood and calling it “done”. She helped me learn that I need not endlessly stream the thought that “I AM CERTAINLY GOING TO DIE” inside my brain whenever I experience a panic attack––which is huge.

Thinking of her leaving induced me to think of the other people over time that have entered and exited my life. I feel like there are several categories of people.

  • Some people were just acquaintances that you may share a good memory or two with–or maybe the memories aren’t particularly pleasant, but they didn’t shake you to your core. It was casual.
  • Then there are people who you’ve just lost touch with because of distance and time and change of life. People who you may make an effort to see when you travel back to your hometown, or that you wouldn’t mind bumping into on the street and making plans for a “catch-up coffee date” that reminds you why they were in your life in the first place.
  • And then there is a group of people with whom you’ve cut/severed/decimated ties and really can’t reopen them because everyone involved has received some sort of closure. To step back into contact with these people would just open old wounds and erase every effort you made to move past their existence in your life. In fact, for a brief period, you probably wished that they’d stop existing altogether.

And for whatever reason, when I’m in my most philosophically emo state, it’s this last group that can embed its claws so deeply into my brain that I’m beyond redirection. At these times, I’m faced with two choices: I can either recall every painful detail of our friendship, or I can refer to the quote I listed above.

That people come into our lives for a reason/bringing something we must learn.

So I sit and think about how I started each relationship and what I looked like coming out of it. Because even if I feel like I “regressed” as a person for the majority of that time we spent together, there absolutely has to be at leastone positive point–even if that point is realizing that that connection wasn’t good for me and I moved on.

Now lemme at those chocolate croissants.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I Have Been Changed For Good

  1. I can relate more than you know on getting stuck in the cycles of thinking about those decimated relationships, but I always end up smiling because I find something positive and with them well. It’s those hard relationships that taught me lessons that are just as important as the ones that were a positive influence on my life as well. I am happy to have both! Either way, I am so glad we’ve all gotten to this growing point 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s