Conversations with My Future-Self

Things have been really up in the air lately, you guys. And by that I mean, no they’re not actually up in the air at all.

But my perception is that everything is an absolute shambles and the world is ending today. Right now. Start Prayin’.

This morning, I started writing this list looking for “Pros” but ended up landing on mostly “Cons”:

  • I switched to a Sat-Mon 30 hr/wk nanny job that pays only a tiny bit less than my last 5 day/50 hr job:
    • Faced with the 20 hours of “extra time”, I’m lacking motivation to do anything with it. Writing is harder now that the added pressure of “producing all the time” is now placed on my shoulders (placed by me and only me, mind you). YOU HAVE EXTRA TIME WHY ARE YOU WASTING IT WITH SPENDING HOURS LAMENTING THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE SO MUCH TIME BUT YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING OF WORTH BECAUSE YOU’RE BUSY WORRYING ABOUT PUTTING OUT QUALITY WORK BECAUSE YOU HAVE SO MUCH TIME NOW–ad finitum,
    • Now all of my friends seem to want to get together on the weekends when before I felt like I was at home twiddling my thumbs and I miss them,
    • I’m open to audition on weekdays, but without an agent, landing legit auditions is pretty hard. Most of the accessible breakdowns are for “sex kittens”, “VERY attractive women” (emphasis always placed on the “very”), “women ok with partial nudity” (hah!), or…you know… “sexy, tall women in general”,
  • So much is riding on–

“Wait,” I gently commanded myself.

“Go back into the annals of this blog and find this post where things WERE actually a shamble-y mess.

So I did just that.

And holy crap.

Last November, I was not in a good place in any way, shape, or form. My life was consumed by a job that I wasn’t enjoying and was taking up too much of my time. I was, admittedly, in the throes of a fairly relentless bout of depression. I was trying so hard to pursue writing and acting but was coming up short because of my exhaustion and time constraints.

The end of that post challenged me to try looking at my situation another way:

“You’re going to go home, blog, eat some tortilla chips, sleep, and pray that there is a light at the end of the tunnel that makes all of the bullshit worth it. Because you don’t hate the city, you hate your circumstances and it’s up to you to change them.”

At the moment of writing that post, I realized that I was in control (at least a little bit). I could figure out a way to transition to a day job that allowed more freedom to pursue my creative career. It was as if my “Future-Self” had popped in through my writing to let me know that, as much as I felt I was dealt a crappy hand, I still had cards to work with.

Flash forward to this week and a conversation with my friend, Marina. “Remember back when you thought finding and securing weekend work was absolutely impossible? And now you’ve done it! That’s huge.”

I have done it and honestly, that is huge. I set a goal. The stars were aligned and a job just so happened to pop up.

This is all to say that I need to constantly keep in mind that this isn’t going to happen overnight. That slow and steady wins the race. That Rome wasn’t built in a day. That the ball is in my court.  That idioms are God’s Love Language to us. Wait…what?

And even though I don’t this I’m currently using my allotted time to its fullest potential, I recently took that leap of faith and it certainly paid off. I need to do less griping and more leaping.

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