It’s OK to Vote for Trump!

You’ve plastered your Trump/Pence 2016 bumper stickers to the back of your 4×4 pickup and you’re sporting your “Make America Great Again” ball cap with your camo tank top and dungaree jeans. You look AMAZING, Trailer Chic is in!

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via netbugle.com

But the world at large is giving you crap! Don’t they know it’s your right as a citizen of the U S of A to pick whoever you damn well please to run this here nation?!

Don’t they know that you can vote for whomever you want, even if that candidate does not best represent your personal interests?!

Don’t they know that Hillary is corrupt and evil because EMAILS.

EMAILS PEOPLE.

And pant suits!

And EMAILS!

But I’m here to tell you today that you’re completely in the right to cast your ballot for these two bombastic men. I think voting for Trump/Pence is a very real and viable choice for all Americans going to the polls this November. We’ll see a lot of change if those two men are in power, and I, for one, have thought long and hard about just this topic.

FORGET that Trump has ZERO political or government experience and no sense of diplomacy. Psssh, who needs that to run one of the most formidable world powers? Who cares that he’s the laughing stock of every other country on this planet (except North Korea who actually endorses him).

FORGET the fact that he acts like an “asshole” in public and is unapologetic (which should prove awesome when it comes to international relations, WE WILL SHOW THE OTHER COUNTRIES WHO’S BOSS).

FORGET that he’s essentially a reality television star (on a program during which he behaved badly, according to a few thousand prudish women) with a lot of money to spend.

He’s your guy. And here’s why you should check the box next to the Republican candidates this fall:

1). You love history, and you’re hoping it’ll repeat itself. Especially when it comes to the “Muslim Problem”. Are we excited for our Trump Muslim database requiring every American Muslim to register under it?! Wait, that link was from NBC (TOO LIBERAL) so here’s one from Fox News stating the same thing. You know who else had a database of people based solely on their religion? If those Nazis were nothing else, they were excellent record keepers! That’s right, Adolph Hitler had his own database to solve his “Jewish Question” for which he came up with a “Final Solution”. “Oh, that would never happen here” is something we’ll probably be saying, just like many of the Europeans told themselves before all that systematic murder stuff happened. But we’ll really mean it, so it won’t happen here. Just like concentration camps could never happen here, just ask George Takei. After all, we had “internment” camps for the Japanese, totally different word than “concentration”–duh.

2) You hate Lesbian/Gay/B.T.etc people and you want them to be miserable spinsters. If you think that gay people signal “societal collapse”, if you think they shouldn’t be able to visit their dying partners in the hospital, adopt children, serve openly and proudly while defending this great nation through military service, or have access to delicious wedding cake at their own weddings with the tax breaks to go along with that paperwork, THESE ARE THE TWO MEN FOR YOU. Trump said he doesn’t care if anyone’s gay, but Pence is all about stopping those heathens from doing dastardly things that will ruin the American family. If you’re kind of a perverted voyeur and care that much about who your neighbor has consensual/adult/passionate/loving sex with or chooses to form a life with, these are the candidates for you.

Also bathrooms. Birth certificates should be required to go to the bathroom.

Just because the homosexuals have the right to marry today, doesn’t mean they deserve it–and since we’ll be getting 3 new conservative Supreme Court justices under Trump/Pence, they’re as good as banned again!

SANTICTY OF MARRIAGE. So sanctified that Trump has been married and divorced several times with children from each of them.

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Via Twitter

3) If you’re cool with your President and VP disagreeing on some of the most contentious and important topics to the American people, it’s Trump/Pence all the way. Healthcare, the war in the middle east, Foreign Trade, etc etc. 

4) If you’re excited for 3 brand spanking new conservative Supreme Court justices, this is your year Trump/Pence! Bye Roe v Wade, Hello again Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, So Long Equal Marriage Laws–hell, let’s do away with Brown v Board of Education while we’re at it because #AllLivesMatter and no one should get special treatment like desegregated schools.

5) If you’re cool with the country being run by men who know how to loose a ton of money, oh yes, vote ’em in. Trump has already said that he’d run this nation like he runs his business–for which he has declared bankruptcy 4 times. Nothing spells S-U-C-C-E-S-S like bankruptcy! Mike Pence cost the government of Indiana $60 million while serving as governor. America can be great again without money, you’ll see.

6) You know that America used to be great and it’s not anymore–and you know exactly WHEN it was great, too:

7) If you hate abortion in all forms, Trump/Pence, baby (pun intended). Women should absolutely NOT have the right to choose what goes on in their bodies, right? Especially when it comes to medical decisions–so WHAT if the mother’s life is in danger?? She got pregnant which means she should be willing to sacrifice her life, to die for her unborn baby. Forget the 5 kids, husband, and family she’ll have to leave behind. That baby needs to be born, even if it means her life expires in the process.

SO WHAT if her own father raped her, she should carry her son/brother to term and go through the heart wrenching adoption process when she can’t afford to raise it because she’s 14 and her mother (now the grandmother/stepmother) doesn’t want it around as a reminder since dad/grandpa is now in jail.

In fact, all women should be punished for having an abortion! Because the experience isn’t traumatic enough–and a fox news source corroborates, just to keep that non-liberal news media balance.

Look, all these women have to do is have the baby and put it up for adoption. Don’t dare go on welfare if you choose to keep it, though. God wanted you to have that baby, just like pro-life people insisted, but it’s up to you to afford it–not our tax dollars to the government!

Of course, since you’re anti-abortion, you’re also adopting some of the 100,000 older children currently available for adoption in the American foster care system–some of them who were the babies you so vehemently insisted should survive…right? Oh, no? Hmmm…

8) You know that women are awful and belong in the kitchen and you can’t wait to see them back there:

9) If you think the last 5 living presidents don’t know what the heck they’re talking about, vote Trump/Pence. He can’t get the Republican former presidents to endorse him and Obama, Clinton, and Carter certainly aren’t in his camp. BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO THEY KNOW?! Just because you had the job, doesn’t mean you know what the job entails and who may be best qualified to do what you did for 4-8 years. For 2,920 days. 70,080 hours.

10) You love walls and you hate Mexican and Central Americans, that goes without saying. Yes, the wall will cost between $15 billion and $25 billion, but Trump says he is going to make Mexico pay for it. Because it’s easy to force foreign nations to pay for things we want. The GOP is set to endorse the idea, so we know it’s a smart decision.

Plus, most Mexican immigrants are criminals and rapists:

  • “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

–Real estate mogul Donald Trump, presidential announcement speech, June 16, 2015

Plus, they’re taking all of our jobs! Especially the farming jobs! Ok, so, Georgia’s immigration bill triggered a $140,000,000 loss in agriculture in 2011 due to labor shortages, but it’s because  Georgians are lazy and just don’t want to work hard at backbreaking jobs, nor do they have the skills. Ok so similar things happened in Alabama (who then repealed theirs)  and Arizona, but again, flukes.

In Conclusion:

You know you’re right when it comes to Trump/Pence. You’ve been parroting your Maw and Paw’s views since you were a baby. So what if the conservative party’s main economic concerns are for the rich, a group you are not actually a part of–so what if they want to cut programs for the middle class (YOU) or the poor while giving the wealthiest Americans tax breaks? And so what if they preach small government, but really want the government to regulate everything under the dang sun?

Jesus, ‘Murrica, and Freedom says your ticking Trump/Pence and that’s A-ok in the USA, hip hip hooray, go Sarah Palin.

A Random Smattering of Online Dating Messages

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I’ve been pretty open about being at the bottom of an ice cold well of feelings these last couple of days. I’m adding PMS to the mix and now I’m a flood of human emotion mixed with full-body aches.

If I tell one more person, as a response to the question “How are you?”, that “My whole life hurts”, I’m sure someone will call a qualified healthcare professional and have them cart me off to a residential location with padded walls and no sharp objects.

All these feels got me like:

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The Tudors | Showtime

Going through a breakup, even the most amicable (which I guess this one sort of was?), hurts like a bitch–especially for extra feisty people like me that consider emotions to be for the weak:

Mean Me: Hey, me! Cry us a river, build a sustainably-built-eco-friendly bridge, and get over it!

Sad Me: Since when did we care so much about the environment? Also: sadness, sadness, rejection, loneliness, sadness.

Mean Me: Just kidding about the crying. You better not cry over this!

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Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs | SONY

But that inner-monologue tennis match gets old: there’s only so much time I’m willing to dedicate to staring at the undulating shadow of the ceiling fan, lying sprawled on my bed, pondering what I could have done differently to not have ended up here, in this pitiful state.

And because I had already dedicated the weekend immediately post-breakup to alcohol therapy, I decided that this past weekend, I would dedicate to online dating.

Somehow, in my mood fogged, discombobulated brain, I thought that physically seeing the other fish in the sea would cheer me up and make me feel less like the dejected quarter-life hag that I keep seeing in the mirror every morning.

WRONG.

And this is where I propose that grown adults should have “internet babysitters” to keep them from making crappy decisions when they’re emotionally unstable. Because in my hurry to check out dating options, I forgot what a mixed bag of people online dating sites contain. And by “mixed bag” I mean a few examples of Prince Charming ranging all the way to Creepy McCreeperson, with the majority of men falling toward the latter end of the spectrum.

Most of the horribly egregious messages, I’ve just been straight deleting, but tonight, I was inspired to keep the rest and share them with the world.

Originally, I thought I would sign on and just browse, not answering any messages (because it would be unfair to start a relationship when one is not emotionally available AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT KIND PEOPLE DO, RIGHT?). And I haven’t made much of an effort but since I am a generous blogger, I’m going to share a few selections of messages I’ve received with you now–

I signed on last week, and I’ve already received upwards of 80 messages.

THAT’S NOT A BRAG–it just goes to show how many dudes are trolling this site, participating in a numbers game by messaging everyone labeled “woman”. Most of the time, they haven’t actually read your profile, and they’re copy-pasting like you won’t figure that method out.

A small handful of dudes make real efforts at making conversation, based on the information that I have written in my profile, which is AMAZING and I won’t be profiling them here–I’ll never sneer at someone making a true effort.

But most messages look like this:

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He’s got that comma, but forgot to write the rest of his message.

Bonus points if he calls you “gorgeous” because that’s the most overused greeting on these sites. The first time you see it, you may feel great because maybe you’ve been starved for romantic attention, but then it just gets old:

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See what I mean? You could say, “Oh, they’re giving you a compliment!” but maybe you could compliment me on one of the many things I took the time to write in my damn profile and not just look at my photo and pass judgement on my appearance! Also, without identifying factors in the message, it’s most likely a copy-paste and that’s just lazy. 

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Oh, sorry, I was being presumptuous, thinking you may be interested in my intellect and not just my photos. Next time I WILL LEAVE EVERYTHING ELSE BLANK.

Also, the state of Iowa finds me beautiful, y’all, don’t get jealous.

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Just “pretty” cute? No, let me fix that for you: I’m “gorgeous”.

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A “dusk sunrise”…hmmm…dusk and sunrise are opposite astronomical occurrences. Is he saying I’m an enigma wrapped in a paradox? That’s deep. Also the answers to your questions are written in my profile.

At least this next guy read my profile, supposedly more in-depth than any other dude so far:IMG_2042.JPG

Sad that I’ll never know what.

And speaking of interesting conversation openers:

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And this one:

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No, no, I don’t think that I am.

And then there are those that have openers that leave you scratching your head just a little:

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If my future ex-husband had spent more time reading my profile instead of telling me about his medical prowess while neglecting his patients, he would have realized that EVERY SINGLE QUESTION he asked me was answered in my profile. His copy-paste game is strong.

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How do you know I like to travel and why are you making plans for my future-self without consulting my present-self, first?! And it’s a trend, apparently:

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Then there’s this guy, who isn’t short on confidence, but neglects to ask a leading question to get me to respond:

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Maybe he’s expecting, “This all sounds super. Sign me up!”

One of my personal faves, this guy who thinks it’s sexy to accuse me of being a phony “To Catch a Predator” profile:

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And this guy who does not have 4 hours’ worth of patience (although, he probably shouldn’t hold his breath):

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And the pièce de résistance:

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Now y’all know I was rip, roaring, and ready to answer this guy and take him up on his blessing me with his sexual abilities. Note that he does not guarantee my climax–it only happens if there’s a connection between us–so take the free sex on the off-chance that it could be enjoyable.

I posted this final missive of undying love for some of my internet pals to swoon over when one of the more attentive friends pointed out that this is, verbatim, actually a huge scam by some casanova that assures men that this pick-up-paragraph will guarantee they see action from total strangers on the internet.

Talk about insulted! I couldn’t even inspire this future-ex-husband to write a more original love sonnet to me!

Oh well–guess I better stay logged in and wait for the next offer of anonymous sex.

 

 

 

Been in LA for 4 Years and All I Got Was this Lousy T-shirt

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On July 20th, 2012, I arrived in Los Angeles to start my professional acting and writing journey. I was 24, slightly heartbroken/very single, without an acting agent, without a job, and wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into.

4 years later and life has proven that it can be cyclical in the shittiest possible ways.

I’m newly heartbroken/single, without an acting agent (though, I did briefly have one), and still wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into.  But I have a job so I guess I can be thankful for small mercies. And I’ve learned to avoid Adele this time around, which is hard because her latest album is perfection.

4 years seems like a lifetime ago–24 year old me had just left her collegiate bubble not long before her journey and was so optimistic about all of the golden opportunities that surely abounded in Tinseltown.

And then I got here, inhaled my first lung-full of the months of dust that had collected on the streets due to the extreme drought conditions and learned what racial type-casting parts are available to women that look like me (maid, thug’s girlfriend, slave, repeat).

It would have been easy to high tail it back to the East Coast. It would have been easy to quit pursuing this astronomical goal and resign myself to a life behind a desk or wiping baby butts that don’t belong to my progeny.

But for some reason, which is frankly beyond all sane thought and comprehension, I am still here. epdlt

 

I am still here and still as in love with lists as when I arrived back then, so I’m going to give you a bunch to sum up what I have accomplished and what I’ve learned.

Things I HAVE accomplished:

  • I’ve lived in the same apartment consistently for the longest period of time EVER. As a Navy kid and due to a turbulent teen experience, I’ve never lived in one house/apartment/dorm for longer than 4 years.
  • I’ve somehow chipped out a reputation as a highly sought after childcarer. As a nanny, I’ve reached the top of the pay bracket in the last 4 years and established myself in many celebrity and high-networth circles as the girl to hire (now, only if my acting and writing took off like that).
  • I’ve managed to support myself financially since I graduated from college 6 years ago, and paid off my student loans (which were supporting me the previous 4 years) in less than 5.
  • I have significantly reduced the amount of panic attacks I experience and that’s probably my GREATEST accomplishment.

On Work:

  • There has to be a balance with the rest of your life. You’ll go crazy/lose friends if you don’t.
  • Having lived a life constantly trying to make ends meet, it’s hard to say no to paying job opportunities, even if you’re financially in a good place. Practice saying “NO” or you won’t have time to pursue other goals.
  • Sometimes we have to do jobs we don’t actually want to do in order to fund our dreams. You are not in the position to be a freeloading millennial. You are not a trust fund kid. Suck it up. Go to your survival job.

On Hollywood and The Grind:

  • It’s all about who you know–and even sometimes making big industry connections won’t do shit unless they are ready to go to bat for you. WHICH WON’T BE OFTEN because so many people here are “risk averse” unless there is something specifically in it for their benefit.
  • Connections can be formed in the weirdest places–like when you go to help someone potty train their kid and they mention they’re an agent and would love to read your work (happening right now, in real life).
  • You have to put in the hours, the thousands of hours, to even make the tiniest bit of headway. But if you don’t, you’re not getting anywhere fast.
  • If you’re a POC, Hollywood is currently interested in “diversity”–and “diversity” includes anyone other than cis-gendered straight males. So white women and white LGBTQetc men are clumped in there with you. Don’t let this be a fad–let it be the new reality by refusing to play a stereotype or a trope (as much as possible). It is entirely possible to write POCs without being offensive, predictable, and boring.
  • Be supportive of other artists–you can’t play ALL OF THE ROLES so try to be excited when your friends/colleagues book.
  • Many people outside of Hollywood won’t know what a coup it is to even GET the audition in the first place. Celebrate every small victory.
  • Even when it feels like you’re banging your head against the wall with new headshots, new (expensive classes), and invested money leaking out of your ears, just keep going. Half the battle is sticking around and outlasting the competition.
  • And the best advice I’ve received (this tidbit of wisdom coming from a successful comedy producer): BE PATIENT.

On Love and Relationships**:

  • Dating is hard. Dating sucks. It’s a necessary evil unless you live in a culture with arranged marriages (and by all accounts, those aren’t fun).
  • Getting hurt is the worst. But if you don’t open yourself up, if you refuse to be cautiously vulnerable, you run the risk of never making that meaningful connection again and pushing away something that could have been great.
  • Don’t settle–you will find someone that loves you just as much, wants to be with you just as much, and isn’t afraid to both show and tell you often.
  • If you’re with someone that is changing how you perceive your value or self-worth in a negative way, END IT. RIGHT NOW. GO. DO IT.
  • Don’t stay with someone because you’re afraid of being alone. Worse than that, don’t stay with someone because you’re afraid of being “the bad guy” by initiating the breakup. Inaction in stringing someone along is more hurtful than taking action.
  • And if it doesn’t ever work out that you meet “the one“, Jane Austen was a spinster and a #BadBitch so you’ll be just fine.

**Full Disclosure–Newly heartbroken/single me thinks the above advice is complete horse shit. But some day (hopefully soon), I’ll let it sink in again.

On Life:

  • Hiring a housekeeper to come once a month is WORTH IT–especially if you’re horrible at cleaning. Paying the money for this luxury will truly raise your spirits beyond measure.
  • Getting married, having babies, owning a house, the “normal life milestones”, etc. may come at a slower pace than your friends back home. But you’ve got a goal, here, and dwelling on what you “don’t have” won’t get you any further to it. Those things aren’t out of reach for you, so be happy for those who are taking the fast track to them.
  • Keeping in touch with non-LA friends and family is key to longevity out here. Having your own cheering section to comfort you, even if over the phone or internet, is sometimes more meaningful than in-person relationships.
  • Your metabolism will slow down. Exercise isn’t an option–it’s a necessity to keep you from turning into a blob.
  • Wash everything in cold water with cold water detergent. And bras last longer if you air dry them.
  • You may miss the simplicity of the life you left behind–but that life wasn’t meant for you, so think about it in the past as a learning experience and not something you abandoned.

And finally, “nothing worth having comes easy”. Life is hard,  but wanting something bigger and better for yourself–wanting your dreams to actually become your reality–takes an incredible amount of moxie–remind yourself that you’ve got it.

“There’s been trials and tribulations
You know I’ve had my share
But I’ve climbed the mountain, I’ve crossed the river
And I’m almost there, I’m almost there
I’m almost there!”
–Princess Tiana, The Princess and The Frog

GO HOME, APP, YOU’RE DRUNK.

The last few days have been absolute shit. I won’t elaborate, because I’m working on making it better, and this is a pity party of one–you dodged a bullet by not being invited.

If you want to hear a sob story, go watch Titanic because Jack TOTALLY COULD HAVE FIT ON THAT RAFT if Rose had been more committed to their relationship.

But for now, just know that on Sunday, the Lord’s Day, I did a little therapeutic drinking. Safely, mind you. Addison Shepherd from Grey’s Anatomy knows how I feel:

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And the full quote for your reading pleasure, because it fits this whole weekend like a glove:

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ANYWHO, my friend Caroline recommended an app that makes it easier to be lazy and have access to alcoholic beverages and SNACKS. The most important part of that equation is easily SNACKS.

SAUCEY is an app that’s tag line is: Alcohol delivered in under an hour–so you know I got right on board that train. Because I’m lazy as hell and that’s really freaking convenient.

I was a little skeptical considering that the Puritanical alcohol laws in the US make it a little difficult for people OF AGE to buy alcohol in many states (though, Los Angeles isn’t that strenuous–they sell hard liquor in the grocery store!). But I downloaded the free app and started scrolling through my options:

SPOILER ALERT–there are MANY.

I almost had a panic attack deciding just how I was going to sink into a drunken oblivion because there was an alcoholic avalanche of dang options!  Decisions are what got me into this depressive mess, I failed to see how MORE decisions would get me out of it.

Wine was out because that’s how I spent Friday night dinner and Saturday brunch. I needed a break from the grapes.

I’m trying to stop drinking alcohol that tastes like it was distilled in a vat of sugar and/or honey, so I decided it was a whiskey kind of weekend and I know the Irish know the business of drinking professionally so Jameson it was.

Onto snacks–Brie. DONE. Crackers. DONE. GUMMY BEARS?! Actually, Gummy “Cola”. But DONE AND DONE.

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Click, click, click into my cart with a referral promo for $10 off and free delivery since it was over $35 and I was set and ready to wait an hour for my purchases.

BUT it’s not delivery IN an hour, it’s delivery UNDER an hour and 20 minutes later, my sweet reward was on my doorstep.

I KID YOU NOT.

My delivery guy took my driver’s license and scanned the bar-code on the back and that was it.

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My 20lb bag of ice didn’t make it into the photo and I realized, while typing this, that my limes were never delivered. But I obviously didn’t miss them and customer service responded quickly and let me know I wasn’t charged.

I had a great afternoon drinking with a friend and watching my first episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race (and the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th episode because MY is that show addicting).

A day well spent.

But today is for picking up the pieces of the life I’ve watched get away from me and for making the most out of the cards I’ve been dealt–and maybe even taking the time to cheat the dealer. Maybe I’ll booze him up first.