You’ve plastered your Trump/Pence 2016 bumper stickers to the back of your 4×4 pickup and you’re sporting your “Make America Great Again” ball cap with your camo tank top and dungaree jeans. You look AMAZING, Trailer Chic is in!
But the world at large is giving you crap! Don’t they know it’s your right as a citizen of the U S of A to pick whoever you damn well please to run this here nation?!
Don’t they know that you can vote for whomever you want, even if that candidate does not best represent your personal interests?!
Don’t they know that Hillary is corrupt and evil because EMAILS.
And pant suits!
But I’m here to tell you today that you’re completely in the right to cast your ballot for these two bombastic men. I think voting for Trump/Pence is a very real and viable choice for all Americans going to the polls this November. We’ll see a lot of change if those two men are in power, and I, for one, have thought long and hard about just this topic.
FORGET that Trump has ZERO political or government experience and no sense of diplomacy. Psssh, who needs that to run one of the most formidable world powers? Who cares that he’s the laughing stock of every other country on this planet (except North Korea who actually endorses him).
FORGET the fact that he acts like an “asshole” in public and is unapologetic (which should prove awesome when it comes to international relations, WE WILL SHOW THE OTHER COUNTRIES WHO’S BOSS).
FORGET that he’s essentially a reality television star (on a program during which he behaved badly, according to a few thousand prudish women) with a lot of money to spend.
He’s your guy. And here’s why you should check the box next to the Republican candidates this fall:
1). You love history, and you’re hoping it’ll repeat itself. Especially when it comes to the “Muslim Problem”. Are we excited for our Trump Muslim database requiring every American Muslim to register under it?! Wait, that link was from NBC (TOO LIBERAL) so here’s one from Fox News stating the same thing. You know who else had a database of people based solely on their religion? If those Nazis were nothing else, they were excellent record keepers! That’s right, Adolph Hitler had his own database to solve his “Jewish Question” for which he came up with a “Final Solution”. “Oh, that would never happen here” is something we’ll probably be saying, just like many of the Europeans told themselves before all that systematic murder stuff happened. But we’ll really mean it, so it won’t happen here. Just like concentration camps could never happen here, just ask George Takei. After all, we had “internment” camps for the Japanese, totally different word than “concentration”–duh.
2) You hate Lesbian/Gay/B.T.etc people and you want them to be miserable spinsters. If you think that gay people signal “societal collapse”, if you think they shouldn’t be able to visit their dying partners in the hospital, adopt children, serve openly and proudly while defending this great nation through military service, or have access to delicious wedding cake at their own weddings with the tax breaks to go along with that paperwork, THESE ARE THE TWO MEN FOR YOU. Trump said he doesn’t care if anyone’s gay, but Pence is all about stopping those heathens from doing dastardly things that will ruin the American family. If you’re kind of a perverted voyeur and care that much about who your neighbor has consensual/adult/passionate/loving sex with or chooses to form a life with, these are the candidates for you.
Also bathrooms. Birth certificates should be required to go to the bathroom.
Just because the homosexuals have the right to marry today, doesn’t mean they deserve it–and since we’ll be getting 3 new conservative Supreme Court justices under Trump/Pence, they’re as good as banned again!
SANTICTY OF MARRIAGE. So sanctified that Trump has been married and divorced several times with children from each of them.
3) If you’re cool with your President and VP disagreeing on some of the most contentious and important topics to the American people, it’s Trump/Pence all the way. Healthcare, the war in the middle east, Foreign Trade, etc etc.
4) If you’re excited for 3 brand spanking new conservative Supreme Court justices, this is your year Trump/Pence! Bye Roe v Wade, Hello again Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, So Long Equal Marriage Laws–hell, let’s do away with Brown v Board of Education while we’re at it because #AllLivesMatter and no one should get special treatment like desegregated schools.
5) If you’re cool with the country being run by men who know how to loose a ton of money, oh yes, vote ’em in. Trump has already said that he’d run this nation like he runs his business–for which he has declared bankruptcy 4 times. Nothing spells S-U-C-C-E-S-S like bankruptcy! Mike Pence cost the government of Indiana $60 million while serving as governor. America can be great again without money, you’ll see.
6) You know that America used to be great and it’s not anymore–and you know exactly WHEN it was great, too:
7) If you hate abortion in all forms, Trump/Pence, baby (pun intended). Women should absolutely NOT have the right to choose what goes on in their bodies, right? Especially when it comes to medical decisions–so WHAT if the mother’s life is in danger?? She got pregnant which means she should be willing to sacrifice her life, to die for her unborn baby. Forget the 5 kids, husband, and family she’ll have to leave behind. That baby needs to be born, even if it means her life expires in the process.
SO WHAT if her own father raped her, she should carry her son/brother to term and go through the heart wrenching adoption process when she can’t afford to raise it because she’s 14 and her mother (now the grandmother/stepmother) doesn’t want it around as a reminder since dad/grandpa is now in jail.
In fact, all women should be punished for having an abortion! Because the experience isn’t traumatic enough–and a fox news source corroborates, just to keep that non-liberal news media balance.
Look, all these women have to do is have the baby and put it up for adoption. Don’t dare go on welfare if you choose to keep it, though. God wanted you to have that baby, just like pro-life people insisted, but it’s up to you to afford it–not our tax dollars to the government!
Of course, since you’re anti-abortion, you’re also adopting some of the 100,000 older children currently available for adoption in the American foster care system–some of them who were the babies you so vehemently insisted should survive…right? Oh, no? Hmmm…
8) You know that women are awful and belong in the kitchen and you can’t wait to see them back there:
- Trump on women in the military: “I went to a military academy, which was from a different planet,” Trump said. “We didn’t have women in the academy at that time. Today you have women, which is a whole other story, women in the army and you see what’s going on. It’s like bedlam.” ALSO, rape in the military is the fault of putting men and women together–not the fault of the rapist doing the actual raping.
- More thoughts on women: husbands justifiably leaving their wives because the wives are ugly, women needing to rely on sex appeal to be successful, pumping breastmilk makes a woman disgusting, women are basically just pretty things to look at, that Bill Clinton’s cheating is Hillary’s fault and means she won’t make a good president, etc etc.
- His comment to CNN about Megyn Kelly: “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes–blood coming out of her wherever.” As if the suggestion that her menstrual state was behind Kelly’s tough questioning wasn’t enough, Trump also retweeted a comment calling her a “bimbo” (later deleted) and called her a “lightweight.”
9) If you think the last 5 living presidents don’t know what the heck they’re talking about, vote Trump/Pence. He can’t get the Republican former presidents to endorse him and Obama, Clinton, and Carter certainly aren’t in his camp. BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO THEY KNOW?! Just because you had the job, doesn’t mean you know what the job entails and who may be best qualified to do what you did for 4-8 years. For 2,920 days. 70,080 hours.
10) You love walls and you hate Mexican and Central Americans, that goes without saying. Yes, the wall will cost between $15 billion and $25 billion, but Trump says he is going to make Mexico pay for it. Because it’s easy to force foreign nations to pay for things we want. The GOP is set to endorse the idea, so we know it’s a smart decision.
Plus, most Mexican immigrants are criminals and rapists:
- “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”
–Real estate mogul Donald Trump, presidential announcement speech, June 16, 2015
Plus, they’re taking all of our jobs! Especially the farming jobs! Ok, so, Georgia’s immigration bill triggered a $140,000,000 loss in agriculture in 2011 due to labor shortages, but it’s because Georgians are lazy and just don’t want to work hard at backbreaking jobs, nor do they have the skills. Ok so similar things happened in Alabama (who then repealed theirs) and Arizona, but again, flukes.
You know you’re right when it comes to Trump/Pence. You’ve been parroting your Maw and Paw’s views since you were a baby. So what if the conservative party’s main economic concerns are for the rich, a group you are not actually a part of–so what if they want to cut programs for the middle class (YOU) or the poor while giving the wealthiest Americans tax breaks? And so what if they preach small government, but really want the government to regulate everything under the dang sun?
Jesus, ‘Murrica, and Freedom says your ticking Trump/Pence and that’s A-ok in the USA, hip hip hooray, go Sarah Palin.